Shaman Diaries: The Reading, Pt. 2

Photo: Sarah Kunst

Sometimes you experience something that you can barely believe yourself. That’s how I feel about my relationship with my shaman. Previously, I wrote about my first shamanic journey. I introduced you to Colleen McCann, a modern-day shaman and founder of Style Rituals, who guided me through my vision and helped me make sense of how it manifested in the days that came after.

I didn’t want to believe in Colleen. When I first met her, I was open to her as a fun activity but I didn’t think it would be anything more than some crystal talk. But when everything I saw in my guided vision came true, I couldn’t deny the inexplicable was happening. So I went with it. I take it on faith now that Colleen is someone who I’m meant to know. Some people just click, like keys in a lock. A door opens when they walk into your life.

Colleen has been one of those people for me. Our most recent reading came at a time when the Get Go had been live for just a few weeks. A lot had happened. There were ups, there were downs. It was (and still is) a confusing time. She did a spread of tarot cards for me over Facetime, she in LA, I in NYC.

I know, I know, tarot cards over Facetime? I admit, it’s weird. But sometimes in doing things we wouldn’t normally do, we get answers that we wouldn’t normally get either. When we look at things from the odd angle, the upside down, the weird, our perspective can shift. I’m not out to convince anyone a shaman is for them, or to believe in things they don’t. I decided to simply try something new and suspend my disbelief. To be truly open to whatever the outcome. The result was that I found comfort in something I didn’t (and don’t) fully understand, but has made me feel better after the experience than going in. I count that as a win.

Here, the cards she drew for me…


“I feel like you’re in a period of isolation,” she said.

True. I have been working on the Get Go primarily by myself since last fall. It has been one of the hardest parts of the process. I’m social by nature. I love the creative process of brainstorming and bouncing ideas off of other creative people. I’ve been lucky to work on teams that had great chemistry. I miss that a lot in this new chapter.


“You know what you know,” she said. “You have to trust in yourself. You know people who can help you. You know how to create amazing content. You know how to build a business. Most people starting out don’t have that foundation.”

The learning curve is huge. Daily, I have a crisis of confidence. The answer to almost every question I ask myself is, I don’t know. It’s hard when you’re used to being the boss who knows exactly what to do to be someone who has so much to learn.

But what I’ve come to realize about the Get Go is that it’s not always my expertise that makes for the most compelling stories. It’s the process of discovery. It’s the NOT knowing and the act of coming to know that is the most interesting to me and to readers. Self-discovery, acknowledgment that there is so much more to learn is what I know in my heart not only to be the soul of the Get Go, but the soul of being happy.


“You’re looking for your people,” she said. “You’re looking for your lighthouses.”

“My what?” I asked.

“Lighthouses,” she answered. “The people who will light your way, taking you from one point to the next.”


“You’ll like this one,” she said with a smile.

I had just had yet another crummy breakup. What had started so promisingly had crumbled into major disappointment.

“Just give it a minute,” she said. “Your personal growth velocity is so high right now. It’s like you’re on self-discovery steroids. You grow every single day. Who you were a month ago, isn’t who you will be a month from now. You don’t want to meet someone now. You will outgrow him because there isn’t anyone who can match your trajectory right now.”

I hate to blame my personal growth velocity (insert eye-roll), but recognize the ring of truth to what she says. Of course, I wish the relationship change meant that my Prince Charming was about to come walking in. But her explanation felt plausible. Every day I learn something new. Every day I have a revelation about where the Get Go is going, about myself. The evolution has been exhilarating but also exhausting.

I have at times in the past questioned if I put my career ahead of my relationships. The answer is yes. But with the Get Go, for the first time, I’m actually putting myself ahead of everything else.

“You’re a lighthouse too, you know,” she continued. “You carry the light. That’s what the Get Go is, a beacon of happiness. You need someone who can hold the lighthouse.”

Here’s where I started to cry. Maybe it is mystical mumbo jumbo. But sometimes the woowoo hits a chord. Something stirs within you. A want. Something you need to hear. Right or wrong, it’s there. So when you hear it, is it weakness to go towards it? Why wouldn’t we accept comfort? Something that gives us hope? Why would we choose not to believe?

I had never thought of being a lighthouse. Or needing someone to hold me in that light. But when Colleen said it, silly or not, I felt it. Yes, this lighthouse wants to be held.


The last card was the otter card.

“An otter? Seriously?” I said. “Why can’t my spirit animal be something powerful? I’m a dragon in the Chinese zodiac.”

“Don’t knock the otter! The otter is fun and playful. It’s always swimming on its back, splashing around, having a good time,” she said. “The Get Go is about joy! Surprise, adventure, doing things for fun. Doing whatever the fuck you want. Yes, you want to help others connect to more joy. But it’s your joy that’s the journey. I want you live a little. To get out of your head and into your body. Think less, enjoy more. Feel more. Embody the joy.”

“That’s accurate,” I replied. “I’m in my head a lot. It’s why I like working out and I like dance, because I can not think and just be in my body. It feels really good, as you say.”

“Do you want to have some adventures with me when you come to LA?” she asked with a smile that I couldn’t quite interpret.

Without pausing, I answered, “Yeah, yeah I do.”


Tune into the next installment of the Shaman Diaries to see what kind of adventure I get into on my ongoing Shamanic Journey!